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Me I hate how I feel like I can't defend myself sometimes. I hate not being able to say how I feel because in all honesty...I don't know, and even if I did, in times like that I have no fucking clue what to say. I hate how I can't just let it all out...scream, yell, get mad (ha is that even possible for me?). I hate feeling less than I am. I hate feeling unloved. I don't wanna sound like a selfish brat...that's the last thing I want to come off as, yet for some reason I just can't find the median sometimes between selfish and selfless. I don't want anyone's pity although it may not seem like that sometimes. This is me. This is who I am...and for the most part, I'm ok with that. Everyone's been giving me the same talk...for the most part at least. That has to mean something right? That everyone whom I trust with matters like this are saying the exact same thing. I find it almost ironic...yet the odd thing is that...it kinda hurts. I found a quote once that went something like "advice is only for those who wanna hear what they already know." Some of the things...I don't wanna hear. But I know I need to. So...should I take this advice? *sigh* we'll see huh? Note to self: I WILL DO WHAT IS BEST IN PROTECTING MYSELF. I dunno what the hell that's supposed to mean yet, and maybe I'm hoping that it doesn't have to mean anything. But maybe hope is something I've gotta get rid of too. It's something that has plagued me ever since my first big "crush" (how many years did I like Kyle?...4...5?) Anyways...let's put that back in the closet now. I had my winter piano conert yesterday. It went very well! It's been a few years since my dad has come to one of my piano rectials, and I could tell that he was happy to be there. I got one of the best feelings yesterday. After the recital was over, Rachel's mom came up to me and my dad and started asking me how things were, and she turned to my dad and told him that I was their "role model." I've known them for some time now (yes I convinced Rachel to play oboe~whoo hoo!) It made me feel good...really really good. To be respected by someone...to be looked up to by someone. To be appreciated...To feel special. I walked away with a much needed smile on my face. Afterwards we had dinner at my dad's girlfriend's house. It means the world to me to see him happy again. Just knowing this made my day. *sigh* well I gotta go get ready for church. Oh and...thank you:-) ~Jen |